Semi-Aquatic Piece Of Shit

"You’re asking Ross to have rhythm?"

powderdoom:

peach-blossom-spring just told me that Ulta is having a 40% off NYX sale so now I’m telling you! Pick up a few shades of the Macaron colors and some of the Matte shades, they’re really lovely and for $3-4 a total steal. The Cake Brow Powder is a good powder to try out too, if you need a cheap alternative to Anastasia. 

lehnsherrandxavier:

but seriously tho, in the last movie, just imagine all the things logan won’t have any memories of since the 70s

"so lennon never died?"

"the planes never flew into the twin towers? what do you mean ‘erik helped’?"

"there are mutant olympics now??”

"wait i have a KID?"

"so it was i who helped scott to get here?"

"i got him together with jean??"

"i was scott’s best man at his and jean’s wedding?!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WITH ‘YOU WERE MINE AND ERIK’S TOO’?!?!?"

celestial-sexhair:

no-homohowell:

qu4ntumflvx:

There’s no such thing as: 

  • Using too much conditioner
  • putting on too much eyeliner
  • wearing too much black
  • being too nervous/sad/angry/happy about someone/something
  • liking a band “too much”
  • falling for someone too fast/too hard.

just remember that ok

is 25 litres of eyeliner too much

friend I’m not sure how you put on your eyeliner but I sure as hell don’t measure mine in litres

killbenedictcumberbatch:

standupcomedyblog:

John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner

THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE

catsteaks:


that-damn-owl:

lodestonemedia:

This shows up on my dash like once a month and it’s funny every time.

This is still my favorite comic holy shit

The username he goes by is Matt_Rat and his comics are fucking hilarious

catsteaks:

that-damn-owl:

lodestonemedia:

This shows up on my dash like once a month and it’s funny every time.

This is still my favorite comic holy shit

The username he goes by is Matt_Rat and his comics are fucking hilarious

karlsparxxx:

browncoatfromtheshire:

M: This week, I discovered a terrible Earth disease called ‘loneliness’.

O: Do many people on Earth suffer from this illness?

M: Oh yes, sir. And how they suffer.

:(

holy shit

guarneretoye:

consider these:

  • there’s a long ass train and we’ve been waiting for it to pass for twenty minutes and you’re leaning out of the window of your car yelling at it so i’ll make some polite conversation au
  • i’m somewhere past drunk and decidedly lost and you’re a kindly local on a nighttime outing au
  • i ran away from home and knocked on the wrong door but you want to take me in anyway au
  • waiting in a holding cell together for our friends to bail us out and you’re unexpectedly cool au
  • are they staring at me or staring into the space around me i can’t tell and it’s intimidating au
  • i come here when i want to be alone and i didn’t think anyone knew about it so where the hell did you come from au
  • met you at a bar but it turns out you’re a soldier and you’re getting shipped into combat tomorrow au
  • gave a running hug to the wrong person at the airport and knocked you to the ground au
  • i’m a government worker and i had to seduce you for a case but i’m starting to like you legitimately au
  • you came to look at the puppies i have for sale and you’re so into it that i can’t help but kneel down and help you assess them au
  • walking between my s.o and you and i grabbed the wrong damn hand au
  • called the wrong number and confessed my love to you in a sappy way before you could get a word in au
  • we were studying across from each other in the library not acknowledging each other for hours and you passed out and fell onto my book so i’m screwed au